Dear Bank Account,

When did we begin this journey? 

It was in my first year of university, some seven years ago, when those hungry banks unleashed a horde of hustling students on campus. I admit I only opened you because it was a pretty girl that cornered me. One of those girls with shiny skin and an eternally floral scent. Ha. I put in my last ₦2500.  

That was then. If our relationship started as opportunism, it has since deepened. I check on you every month, even when every debit alert, every ping, every SMS destroys me. I love you; I think you love me, too. In any case, our relationship has outlived Ngozi’s scam affections. After I opened that first account, she disappeared. Two weeks later, I met her at the canteen with two other girls, and she did like she had never seen me before. My guys were laughing. I almost cried. 

Moving on sha. We have been tight since I got out of that damn school. I have hustled for you. On and on and on. And yet, what have you done for me? You have remained flat. Because of you, I learned graphic design as I was doing NYSC. You grew a bit and then it was Sandra’s turn to come and flatten everything. The alerts kept coming, threatening to kill me. But I only saw our wonderful life together.

When I think about it, I don’t understand how I fell for someone in those ill-fitting khakis — but love is blind. Ridiculously blind. I can’t believe I used to buy super-expensive food for her and then go home to cook noodles on my green stove. My God. Tell me why you didn’t stop me? Why didn’t you say it is enough? You watched a fresh graduate buy another fresh graduate food again and again. You didn’t care. You don’t care.

Anyway, I have been working for a few years now. Years in which I have tried to avoid the Ngozis and Sandras of the adult world. It’s very hard, I assure you. But I have tried. Friday nights are still doing me in, and you are not helping. If you can’t stop me from taking a taxi to the club, why can’t you stop me from entering inside? If you can’t stop me from entering the club, why can’t you stop me from ordering a round for everybody, and if you can’t do that, why not stop me from doing it three more times in one night? And if that is too hard, why not stop me from repeating it the very next week? 

My generosity is the problem — but help me. We are together in this life, and as I am growing in status, I need you to grow along with me. Last night, I took a look at you, and you are both comic and tragic. Comic because how? Tragic because if we continue like this, straight under-bridge relocation for me. 

I have been postponing my dream to buy land next year because of you and your stature. Someone told me a PiggyVest account will actively and automatically work with me on that dream, which is unlike your passive positioning. I’ll be real with you. I am seriously considering transferring my income account to the PiggyVest account I just opened. But I’ll give us one more month. If nothing changes, we might need to call it quits. This is not a threat o, I just really need you to come through for me. 

Kind regards,

Me.