Great relationships are built through hard work and commitment from the involved parties. Sharing your life with another person requires you to open yourself up to all forms of intimacy — physical, emotional, spiritual — if your end goal is a stable and authentic partnership. However, one often overlooked form of intimacy is financial intimacy, perhaps because financial conversations are inherently awkward and could leave everybody frazzled and resentful.
But honest discussions about money are very important to sustain a healthy dynamic. You can minimise friction by planning these conversations ahead of time, being completely transparent, and keeping it simple and lighthearted.
If you’ve been too anxious about starting a conversation about finances with your partner, or tried and failed in the past, and are looking to learn how to navigate these conversations skillfully, then you’re in the right place. Here, we will explain why money talks are necessary in a relationship and share tips for discussing finances with your partner.
The importance of talking about money in your relationship
Discussing finances in a relationship is vital to understanding your partner’s values. Before making long-term commitments, learn the financial habits of your significant other, as it helps with financial planning. Are they a penny pincher or spendthrift? Do they have crippling debt or a trust fund set up by a wealthy grandparent? How much do they make? Are they living within their means?
Without proper financial planning, you could inadvertently create a dynamic where financial abuse could occur. Financial abuse is one of the many forms of domestic abuse. It involves controlling the victim’s access to money or other financial resources as a way to exert control or punish a partner. It could occur in many forms: withholding funds for basic needs, forbidding them to work, refusing to work or contribute to the home, keeping their paycheck, or stealing from them.
In the early stages of a relationship, it may not seem necessary to bring up money, as motives could be easily misconstrued. So, when is a good time to start discussing finances in your relationship?
The short answer: as soon as possible. It’s preferable to discuss your finances early on in your relationship, but if this is a soft spot for you or your partner, it can wait until you’re ready to start making life decisions together, like moving in together, getting engaged, getting married or having babies.
Making assumptions about how bills will get paid or how much to put aside towards your future will only cause financial distress for one or both parties and potentially harm your relationship.
Tips for discussing money with your partner
Below are seven tips to help you navigate money conversations with your partner:
1. Start early
This couple, Ore S and Ore M, started having money conversations right off the bat. “The moment we started the relationship, we had almost all the conversations within the first 18 months — how we’ll manage money when we get married, structures we have in place ahead of a wedding, and how much we should have in the bank.” As a result, money problems in their relationship are solved jointly, “from a safe, loving, wise and solution-focused perspective.”
Starting early not only sets the tone but also helps you assess your level of financial compatibility, before taking more serious steps forward.
2. Keep it lighthearted
It is best to discuss finances when there is little to no tension in your relationship. This means you shouldn’t wait until your partner makes a purchase or financial decision that leaves you uneasy before discussing your finances. This can be perceived as an attempt to pass judgement or exert control over their spending. Don’t pick apart the little things; know when to agree to disagree.
Instead, keep it simple with open-ended questions. “What do you think about joint accounts?” “What’s your take on owning a home?” “What are your top five money goals?” Regardless of how they answer these questions, you can get a good feel for their priorities and note any concerns to be discussed at a more opportune time.
3. Lead with empathy
Money conversations are awkward. Acknowledge that the discomfort is mutual and lead with consideration. Avoidant personality types may try to avoid conversations that make them uncomfortable, so ensure that they feel safe opening up. Remember that your partner may hold views on money that differ from yours, and the goal is to find a balance between those differing opinions, rather than be upset about them.
4. Be honest and transparent
Money conversations help you work out financial kinks in a responsible way. It is also a chance to form stronger emotional bonds. Lying, hiding or omitting facts about your money habits or history are signs of financial impropriety and can cause real damage to your relationship. You must be open and vulnerable if you want the same from your partner.
If your partner refuses to be forthcoming or shows signs of dishonesty, do not let these behaviours slide. Seek professional advice to find the root of the problem and explore other methods to get them to open up.
5. Schedule conversations in advance
Except there’s a financial emergency, it’s best to schedule conversations ahead of time and seek their consent on the matters to be discussed. Scheduling money conversations in advance is a way to ensure neutrality in your conversations, allowing both parties to come into it with an open mind. It is important to respect their position if your partner is unwilling to discuss an issue and revisit it at a later, more convenient time.
This method works best for couples who have some anxiety about the subject. Let your partner know what you’ll be discussing, and choose a calm and quiet location to chat. Defuse any latent anxiety with a glass of wine, if you must.
6. Make it a habit
You cannot fix all your financial problems in a single conversation, so do not expect these talks to be one-and-done. Financial circumstances change, so you must continue discussing what these changes mean and how to adapt. Regular money conversations will always keep you and your partner on the same page. By making money talks a part of your routine, you can address and forestall any minor or major problems that arise.
7. Refine your system
There’s no “perfect” system, as you must continue evolving with the times and circumstances. Refining your system really means relentlessly and regularly working on your finances to achieve financial freedom.
“We’re still trying a few things to see what works for both of us as an entity. But one thing we’ve decided to start doing, after so many conversations, is budgeting. Like we did for our wedding,” Ben and Precious Ikade explained when asked how they handle their family finances. “We look at our expenses at the end of every month, since we are 9-5ers, and then decide on which expenses are more of a priority than the others.”
Aside from constant communication, you can use digital tools to make this process more seamless. To pool funds together, you can save towards unique goals using PiggyVest’s Group Targets feature, or allot funds according to your budget with the help of Labels. But if you’re a fan of fixed deposits, Safelock is the best option to stow away funds for a later date while earning a profit.
To quote the poet Davido, ‘Love is sweet, but when money enter, love is sweeter’. Financial freedom enriches all the other aspects of your relationship and allows you to love and grow as equals.
